The hell

To whom it may concern,

This will be the biggest turning point in my life and I had no idea. Picture it the year 1994, living a life of security, laughter, and some really good times. That didn’t last long for me. I was 9 I can still remember him coming into my room while I was half asleep touching my back and running his hand down my body, I had no clue what to do, I froze, do I wake up, do I pretend to be asleep, what was happening, I woke up..he stopped, I don’t remember exactly what he said, I’m 40 and my memory of those nights have been suppressed in some ways. The next day I thought maybe it was all a dream, he had not really touched me anywhere inappropriately in my 9 year old eyes, although it made me feel uncomfortable, so I thought no that did not happen, maybe I was dreaming and it was all innocent harmless rubbing of my back. I was soo soo wrong. I don’t know how long it was before the next time, but it was within days maybe weeks. The next time I woke up with my pjs off the bottom with his fingers inside me. I froze again,” what is going on” “what do I do” I moved around as if I was asleep, his fingers kept finding me, I could feel an uncomfortable pain that I did not understand. Pressure inside my vagina that felts weird and not right. I kept moving around, he stopped. He left the room. WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED TO ME!!! The next day he acted as nothing happened, this time I knew I was not dreaming. I was 9 I had absolutely no clue what to do. I had always been taught about bad touch, and this was very bad. But I never really thought being touched inappropriately happened by family, he was going to marry my mom, I was going to be his child, this doesn’t happen by people who love you. As this continued night after night, not every night but it felt like it. I found different ways to try and discourage it. I would sleep in long pants with draw strings, that didn’t work. He would still pull my pants down and put his fingers inside me as if I was just a plaything to him. I would start sleeping in a sleeping bag laying on the zipper, that did not stop him. It went from him playing with my vagina to him then also touching himself and masturbating. I would move around to stop it, I would even push him away, it would stop for the night. I knew it wasn’t right, but I also knew if I told my mom would go back to being alone, she seemed happy. She smiled a lot, she laughed a lot, and she was enjoying a life without struggling, without fear the state would take me from her. Oh the state, what if I told, would they blame my mom, would they take me from her, what would happen to us, would she believe me? Would anyone believe me? I stayed quiet. When I was awake, he was like a normal father figure, never being overly touchy with me, but always lovey dovey towards my mom. As the weeks grew into months grew into years so did the level of sexual abuse. It started out with him touching my breast, than moved on to fully putting his fingers inside my vagina in what I now know to be foreplay, rubbing and thrusting his fingers inside me touching me in ways my body made a weird jerking feeling I could not control, an unwanted, uncontrollable orgasm at 10 years old by this time. My mind racing saying in my head over and over please make this stop. Than the night it got even weirder, his head was in my croch and I felt a wetness around my vagina, while also filling his fingers inside me, what is going on I thought. It was wet, was that his penis inside me, I had no clue and than I realized it was his tongue licking my vagina inside and out, while also touching me, than I hear him say in a soft voice, “you taste so good” I was mortified, I rolled over so fast kneeing him in the head. WHAT THE FUCK!!! I was 11 by this time. He had married my mom summer of 1996 and he was doing things to me I did not understand why. They were married; she would never believe me I thought. Is this my life, is this what I have to go though, how do I make it stop. I prayed every time he came in to make it stop. I loved school, I did amazing in school, I was even advanced all my life until my 6th grade year 1996, I was held back, I repeated the 6th grade. This sexual abuse took that from me. I didn’t know it at the time but the lack of sleep and the abuse made it hard to focus. I would fall asleep in the afternoons after school, this was my favorite time because he was at work and my mom was home and awake. But those naps quickly turned to molestation when my mom started working with a friend she had at her wallpaper store. If he got home before she did and I was napping, he would molest me with his fingers and mouth. I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t tell anyone, no one would believe me. My mom is happy I don’t want to ruin that for her. What if the state blames my mom. All these things running through my 11 and 12 year old mind still. I prayed to God to make it stop, could he hear me, did he forget about me?  Summer of 1997 would prove to be the most bitter sweet moments in my life. Until than thanks for reading, this was not an easy one to write.